Hello Warrior Woman,
At the beginning of our journey together, I promised that I would be transparent and vulnerable. Throughout my earlier years of life, these were two characters that I did not possess. I always needed to be in control and kept my guard up. From the age of 11-18 years old, my biological father sexually abused me. This experience caused me to shut myself off from those close to me and others who tried to get close. Because I had carried that burden for 20 years of my life, it was not until 2012 that I learned transparency because I no longer had to lie to people about how I felt when asked a simple question: “how are you?” At the time, my father was still alive, but what catapulted my turning point where three separate heart-pouring conversations I had with my three Heavenly Queens. My Mom, my Gran, and my Aunt. Collectively, they all told me to start living for myself. Stop living my life for others and learn to forgive.
Most importantly, to seek God so that He can lead me to love and show me how to love and forgive myself. Every interaction, in person or over the phone with each of them, lasted for hours. They all helped me transition from such a dark place in my life. Even in death, I am forever grateful to have had them show and teach me how to be a woman of Godly character. Fast-forward to the present day when I want to sit and talk for a while or pick up the phone and call to hear their voices so they could speak more wisdom into my life and pray with me. It has been a heavy burden at times because I no longer am afforded the opportunity. The other day I was so consumed with everything and fell into a deep depression for three days. I closed my blinds, which I always keep open, cried for what seemed like hours, prayed, slept, and other times just laid there. I couldn’t work, write, read, talk because I was so heavy and overwhelmed with all that has been going on around me and in my life. I mentally needed a break to turn everything off.
Additionally, last year, I was diagnosed with endometriosis, a painful disorder from uterine tissues growing outside of my uterine wall. My Obstetrician said she does not recommend another surgery soon after the one I recently had in November 2019. In the same year, I was also diagnosed with lumbosacral disk herniation, which causes my spinal disc to pinch my nerves, creating extreme pain. The pain is constant regardless if I am standing, sitting, or lying down, and I will need epidural steroid injections 2-3 times a year. Yeah, so I was going through all this pain on top of a mental breakdown. I choose not to medicate myself as I am a recovering prescription drug abuser. Therefore, I have to work through the pain while diligently seeking more natural and holistic approaches to eliminate the problems.
Many of you may ask why I chose to be so transparent and vulnerable in telling my story. For many years, the consumption with my silence about most of the things in my life excelled me into darkness and did not progress me to become better. Most importantly, if I can continue to overcome by my testimony, and one person can finally face what they are silent about in their lives. Then, I am humbled to give God the glory to use me to help someone make it through. I always give God the praise for allowing me to be a vessel to impact change. We are all created to help one another navigate through this life. It is my daily hope and prayer always to be a blessing to someone. When you know what darkness feels like, on the edge of many suicide ideations, alcoholism, promiscuity, abuse in the many faces it can hide. Then you know it is a place you want to save someone else from experiencing. So when you make it to the survivor’s side, there is an obligation to reach back and pull others through to find their resilience, tenacity, and peace.
In closing, for those who are wondering, I learned to love my father before his death. But, I hated the demon that laid dormant in him. In my soon to be completed memoir, “She Speaks,” I tell of the many challenges that came to impede my paths, but that never seemed to take me off of my God divined journey. So, no matter what may be consuming you, there is love, life, and light on the other side of it. Go forth, knowing that you do not have to find it alone—reach out, then reach back.
Always be blessed and highly favored,
“It is never about the seeds you plant, but more importantly, the ones that you help cultivate compassionately.”